Thursday, December 19, 2013

This is a Bathroom, Not Your Dreams

In your dreams you are allowed to act and do as you please. It's your subconscious; you can be flying one minute and making out with a famous person the next. It's your imagination, so do what you want. In the real world, there are rules. Rules about proper etiquette. In this case, proper bathroom etiquette. It's surprising how often people don't know what to do when faced with the task of relieving themselves. Are they not taught at a young age about hand washing? Were they potty trained over a hole in their backyard? What causes this to happen? I ask myself these questions at the office today. And this isn't the first day I am perplexed. It's the millionth day. There is consistent laziness and sloppiness. Do I need to go home to use a clean restroom? Let's look at the facts. And stop reading now if you have a weak mind stomach.

If I am in the bathroom, and I hear a toilet flush, but I know it's not MY toilet flushing, what do I know for sure? Someone else is in the bathroom. And once I hear the door open on the stall and feet stomp across the floor, what else do I know for sure? That someone is about to make a very crucial decision. They are either going to a. wash their hands or b. WAIT. There is no b. THERE SHOULD BE NO B. THERE IS ONLY A. HAND WASHING. Oh, no, there is a "b" apparently, and that is b. leave the bathroom immediately. So someone thought it would go unnoticed? They are able to sneak out of the bathroom before anyone actually sees their face and can identify them, so it's like it never happened. This isn't like when a tree falls in the woods. I am seriously in the bathroom. I KNOW that sink was never turned on. I know you are a dirt ass and have unclean hands. And guess what; 3 people in my office have the flu. Wonder the F why. People, hand washing is a good idea. Did you grow up in a landfill? Jesus. Just read this handy info.

But that's not the worst thing I have dealt with in this public bathroom (For the record, this is a professional office building that houses many businesses which would appear to be upscale at first glance. However it appears some occupants were raised by wolves). This morning I discovered what is the 3rd most horrible thing you can discover upon entering a stall, but I saw it too late. It was a puddle (The most horrible is a different variety of matter and 2nd most is a friend to women only. Which I have also seen here. LIKE A CRIME SCENE). And I'm not talking sprinkles, I am talking stood a foot away from the toilet and tried to make it, like a god damn carnival game. What are we, men?? My live-in man friend doesn't even shoot this bad. It's pretty nasty, and frankly, if you don't want to sit on a toilet (when seat covers are free and provided) then work from home. Or, immediately alert the building maintenance staff that there has been an accident because you weren't loved as a child and you need a clean up in stall #4 before other women who want to feel less disgusted are there to use the facilities. I don't think I am asking too much here.

If anyone reads this and thinks to themselves "hey, she make some interesting points, but I don't think it's as bad as she is making it out to be" then you are wrong. Please do not think these thoughts and share them with me or others. If you don't wash your hands after you use the bathroom, you are gross and I judge you. If you squat when you pee in public, fine, but I ask you this: how good of a shot are you? And if you are not a good shot and are still determined to squat to avoid germs on your ass, then please wipe up your mess. You are a grown woman. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

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