Tuesday, November 26, 2013

I Seriously Want to Have a Black Tie Wedding

I know, I know. What a yuppie move. A Black Tie Wedding. Will I also require everyone to have a monocle and talk with some sort of British accent? maybe... Well guess the f what: I have expensive taste. The problem is, I am not actually rich enough for my taste. But even so, is it so bad to want to have a fancy-ass wedding? HELL NO. What is the point of spending all that money if you can't do what you want to do!?

Don't worry guests, there is no black tie required. But you better thank the internet and the groom. Because if I was doing this solo a. there would be a black tie requirement, and b. there would be way more Christmas music planned. This guy is really holding me back.

So let's discuss for a minute what is so wrong about a black tie ask. Maybe it's because people don't have their own tuxedo anymore. And for that reason, most people have to rent used (USED) garments and pretend to be comfortable/clean. We all know what has been done inside of that already worn outfit, my friend. I won't bore you with the details (they farted, dripped on it, slept with a bridesmaid and threw it on the floor of a nasty hotel room then put it back on, you get it). And not to mention they don't ever fit right. Sometimes an average guy gets lucky. Joe Average, great measurements, no need to tailor. Then 6'5" guy with the long ass legs is wearing floods and looks like Frankenstein up top. Oh yes, great option. Way better to spend $200 to rent something and look like shit for a day that's on record in photos and video than to shell out a grand to look good FOREVER.

Is it wrong to want black tie because people would rather wear whatever they want and don't want to have to answer to anybody? Hey man, I'm not the government; don't try to rebel against me. It's not like I am forcing you to register your vehicle; you're being invited to a party. I'm the host and bride and I can do whatever the hell I want. You don't want to wear a nice suit or tux to a wedding? Well don't come to my wedding. It's quite simple. I am sure your TV doesn't care what you're wearing. And I can seriously be open-minded about this. I have two mothers (of the bride and of the groom) here who think differently, and like different styles. But they would both be willing to be fancy enough for my wedding. And you know why? Because it's MY day. Everyone keeps saying that... Is it true? Am I not the one who is supposed to be enjoying this thing more than anyone else?

Maybe black tie sucks for people because they have been told that black tie sucks. And maybe they have never really partied in a tux and don't know how hot they could look. Let me tell you something: EVERYONE IS WAY HOTTER IN BLACK TIE. I want everything to be black tie. My fiance looks so hot in a suit, even hotter in a tux. And sometimes he is in a ball cap and zip up and I say "Wow, you look really hot today," but the next day he puts on a suit for something and I am like "Holy shit, you look 100 times hotter than yesterday." You see? It's about making others feel/look better. I want to do this for you NOT me (but really me).

I am sure my wedding won't actually be black tie. Because around these parts, it's tough. And honestly (yes, honestly) I don't actually care what people have on, I just want my friends and family to be there. But I urge you to investigate the effects a tuxedo could have on you and your self-esteem, as well as the effect it has on the people around you (single guys take note: someone will want to bone you).

Black Tie Optional

Ahhhhhhh. A new blog. A breath of fresh air. Except that a new blog is created every minute nowadays. Everyone thinks they have some uniquely original thought. Of course you do...

Well I might not be all that original, but I need a place to rant for Christ's sake. And today I came up with the best blog title and best rant I think I ever have. And they both seem to define the soul trapped in my body. 

So let's try this and see where we get.