Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Hipsters Sometimes Go Too Far

I like hipsters as much as the next guy. I may even try to BE hipster on occasion. But sometimes the need to be hipster and trendy and different goes against all common sense. There are probably too many examples that fit into this description, but recently I had an experience that drove me into a fit of hipster rage. And it happened in a hipster city, at a hipster restaurant.

I will start by stating the most obvious part of this experience: everyone that works at this particular restaurant is a hipster. I am sure there was a check box on the application; "Are you a hipster? Check yes or no." Everyone gets to wear their own clothing, the trendier the better. Facial piercings and tattoos a plus, which I have no problem with. You don't want to wash your hair? Not a problem. You like gauges in your ears? Perfect. Serve this black bean slider to table 6. Hipsters: UNITE.

So now that you understand the population, let's talk about the amenities. Of course there is a lofted space. Why wouldn't there be? And there are no "women" or "men" bathrooms - only unisex "water closets." That may have been my favorite part... I mean what the f. We are not in some suburb of London, it's the suburbs of Detroit. You're lucky if people know how to correctly tip servers. Do you think the notion of a water closet is something they will enjoy, let alone notice? Kudos on the classiest of bathroom labeling. One thing I will say is that the overall design of the place is fantastic. But the architecture only entertained me for a few moments. Then my coffee arrived.

Coffee should be served in two types of dishware: paper and porcelain. Oh what's that? You are going to serve me coffee in something other than that? "I'm sorry but our coffee is served in a tin cup so please be careful." Ok, you are actually telling me that your owner made a bonehead move and is serving a scolding hot beverage in a metal that will do nothing to make this experience delightful? Ok great. DAMN YOU, HIPSTERS! Not only does tin MELT YOUR FACE OFF, it also does not keep coffee warm. This coffee was ice cold in literally 45 seconds. But it was quite soothing on my burned lips. And they didn't stop there. My hipster sliders were served on tin plates. And of course they make their potato chips in house. And they overuse jars. It can't get more hipster than that; it just can't...

I was wrong. They brought over the dessert menu. You might think I am going to say that the most hipster part was the Nutella soft serve ice cream. I originally thought that myself. That's a pretty hipster move. But it was the Cotton Candy. And not just that - they had a flavor of the day. Hold everything. So you can't shell out the cash for freaking coffee mugs that don't destroy the mouths of your customers, but you acquired a device for making cotton candy, which is essentially colored sugar, and you are going to charge me $4 for it? That's more than what it costs at a ballpark, the most over priced place on the face of the Earth. I think I've seen everything. I can die and go to Hipster Heaven.

I leave you with this: I consider myself a food snob, and will spend good money to try food at non-chains and support local business. But if restaurants continue to think they are more awesome than the rest of the universe and try to out-snob my friends and I, I will begin to cook for myself at home. Or eat at Capital Grille every night. Who's with me?!?!?

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